just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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