Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
