he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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