Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
