Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
