I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
