the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
