A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
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