Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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