When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
