btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
