What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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