Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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