Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You did what with his pubic hair?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
