I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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