I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Sext me about skeletons
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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