We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
