i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think my fart just growled at me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
