Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
