Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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