Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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