have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
