dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
