He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
