my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
