so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
