grandma shit on top of the toilet
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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