First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
