i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
only you would photoshop your dick
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
