No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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