Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
