Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
