Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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