I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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