Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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