Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
