Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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