just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
