i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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