I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
