My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
