I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
