Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
