she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
