Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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