to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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