I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
