Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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