You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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