My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
