listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
