Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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