I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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