btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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