My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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