theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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