i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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