new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
