I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
