thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
