I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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