when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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